The Night Jesus Held My Hand

During my pregnancy with Nathan who was diagnosed with a large Occipital Encephalocele, (You can read about it here: Nathan's Story) I remember dreading the ultrasounds which we got every few weeks because in each one my son's condition grew worse. More of his brain was growing outside of his head.  I also remember the disappointment of God not answering our prayers for healing though I was trying so hard to have faith.

One night, as my husband slept beside me, I lay in bed weeping.  My husband hadn't been able to be with me like he normally was for the ultrasound I'd had that day, and the encephalocele on the back of Nathan's head had grown even larger. As I laid there in bed, I began to cry out to God in raw desperation simply pouring my heart out to him all that I was feeling: my disappointment, my pain, my desires, my fears. Then the most amazing thing happened. The Lord visited me! I don't know what else to say except that, while I was wide awake, it astoundingly happened.

Suddenly, I was in another place. The ultrasound room where I found myself was dimly lit. Laying on an ultrasound table, I looked at my son's deformity on a monitor screen. As I looked to the right at the screen, I felt someone take my left hand. Assuming that it was my husband, I tore my eyes from the screen and turned to find that Jesus Himself stood next to me holding my hand. I mean in the flesh, His warm right hand squeezing mine. He was wearing a Shepherd's robe and holding a staff in his left hand.   I then looked down to see a large scarred hole in his sandled foot.

At that moment I realized that he completely understood the sorrow in my heart. He was weeping with me and bearing my sorrows right by my side.  I could see that just as I dearly loved this first born son in my womb, God had a first born son too. His only son. God knew what it was like to see his precious son suffer and then die.  He knew what it was like to lose a child. And it was all for me...to pay for my sin. If God would do that for me, how could I not give my son to Him and trust Him with the outcome of His choosing?  The Lord showed me that The Father's love for my son was even greater than my own.

Then, Jesus (still holding my hand on that ultrasound table) said, "Even though you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, do not be afraid, for I am with you.  My rod and my staff (guidance and protection) will comfort you."  Then, suddenly, I was back on my bed in my own room again.

I still don't understand why God granted me (sinful, unworthy me) to see Jesus with my own eyes and touch Him with my own hands, but I will never forget that encounter as long as I live.  As I have pondered this, I have come to believe that our unabandoned, wholehearted seeking, and our desperate cry move the heart and hand of God Almighty on our behalf. After that, I knew that even though I couldn't see him, Jesus was right beside me going through everything I was going through, holding my hand.

My prayer for those of you who are reading this is that you would know for certain that Jesus is real and alive. I pray that you would know the Father's love for you, and that you would know Jesus who daily bears our burdens, sorrows, and pain. You are not alone.  Jesus is right beside you, holding your hand. (see Psalm 23)